Redefining the holidays after divorce: Holiday planning tips for co-parents
Introduction
The holiday season has a way of amplifying everything we are feeling, from joy and excitement, to sadness and stress. For co-parents navigating after divorce, this time of year can feel especially challenging as schedules get complicated, expectations create pressure, and emotions run high.
But the holidays can still be magical and peaceful for children (and co-parents!) with some advance planning, clear communication, and shared commitment to keep the needs of the kids at the center of all of it.
Anchor your decisions and communication around what will make the holidays feel the most joyful and stable for your children. When co-parents focus on their child’s experiences, communication becomes smoother and less emotionally charged.
Holiday planning
Here are a few ways co-parents can prepare for the holidays thoughtfully and collaboratively.
1. Begin the Holiday Conversation Early (and Keep It Child-Focused)
Early planning can prevent co-parenting communications from becoming strained during the holiday rush. Reach out before the season starts to coordinate schedules, travel logistics, special events, and any flexibility either party wants to consider. Remember, healthy co-parenting means honoring your established parenting plan and being open to thoughtful adjustments if you can. If a change benefits the kids, it might be worth discussing (even if it challenges you and your hopes for the holidays).
2. Prepare Kids Emotionally for the Plan
Kids handle transitions better when they know what to expect, but they also need permission to enjoy both parents and both homes during the holidays. Children of divorce often worry about disappointing one parent, missing out, or being asked to “choose.” Communicate with children openly and positively to ease that burden. Reassure them that both parents are excited to celebrate with them in both homes, and walk them through the schedule in simple and positive terms.
3. Coordinate Gift Giving to Avoid Tension
Gift-giving can unintentionally become competitive or chaotic, but coordinating with your co-parent can prevent those pitfalls and is a great opportunity to model cooperation for your kids. Agree on spending boundaries so that one parent isn’t giving disproportionately, and consider giving a joint gift for expensive items. Share wish list items your child mentions and discuss what each parent is giving so a child doesn’t receive duplicates.
4. Maintain Respectful Communication (Especially During Stressful Moments)
The holidays can test even the most amicable co-parents, but respectful communication, especially during trying moments, is especially important because children can sense tension between their parents, even if they are not privy to detailed communications. When emotions spike, take a breath before replying and focus on making your messages concise, neutral, and solutions-oriented. Focus only on the present - this is not the time to bring up or rehash past conflicts.
5. Create Shared Traditions When Possible
Not every divorced family can, or should, spend time together. But co-parents can still find simple ways to create comfort and continuity for their kids. If you and your co-parent can share a brief, low-stress, in-person tradition, try something like sipping cocoa together while your children open one early gift. If togetherness is not feasible this year or causes too much tension for co-parents, choose a tradition you can carry out separately but harmoniously between both homes, such as Elf on the Shelf, or using the same holiday decorations in the children’s bedrooms at each house. If coordination creates more tension, don’t force it! Focus on preserving traditions in your home so your children feel a sense of holiday identity wherever they are.
Final thoughts
The holidays after divorce may look different, but different does not have to mean less joyful. If you and your co-parent have a win – whether it’s a small win like a smooth hand-off, or a bigger win coming from positive collaboration – celebrate it and let it build confidence for future holidays. With thoughtful planning, open communication, and a focus on your children’s wellbeing, co-parents can create a happy holiday season with new traditions.
Ashley French, MSW, is a mental health therapist who specializes in working with adults, adolescents, co-parents, and families navigating the effects of separation, divorce, high-conflict family dynamics, and co-parenting coordination.