Setting boundaries with kids: simple strategies for everyday life
“That’s it! No more screens for the rest of the week!”
Does that sound like something that’s ever been said at your house? If so, welcome, and read on to learn more about setting and holding boundaries with your children and other ways to manage challenging behaviors.
Working with children and adolescents, I find myself frequently giving guidance to parents about how to set appropriate consequences when behavior goes awry. Many times, in moments of high stress, and after telling their child to do (or stop doing) something several times, parents typically resort to taking away a child’s screen time or another preferred activity. In these moments, parents choose this option because they hope their child will feel the effects of the consequence by removing something valuable and, in turn, learn that their behavior was not acceptable.
However, following through with these consequences is when things can get a little tricky. Many times, parents end up “giving in” (giving the tablet or other privilege back early) because they’ve forgotten about the consequence, the child has asked nicely, or the parents’ initial anger has dissipated. Sometimes, the privilege is returned for the child exhibiting a positive behavior unrelated to the inappropriate behavior that cost them the privilege in the first place. Or sometimes, parents try to follow through with the consequence until the end of the week, but their child has already forgotten the consequence set in place, and this results in additional dysregulation when the child asks for the activity or device back. In short, heat of the moment decisions can sometimes put parents in a tough spot when trying to set and hold limits for behaviors.
If it feels difficult to consistently and predictably follow through with a consequence, you are in good company and familiar territory. The good news is, if you are able to stay calm in these difficult moments, you will be able to think more clearly about consequences which will actually help shift behavior long term. You are also teaching your child two valuable lessons through your calm:
1) I will be your steady calm presence when you are having big feelings, and
2) You can count on me to set and stick with limits that are healthy for you, even if they initially feel hard.
Remember, just as your child is learning a new skill (which behavior will or will not be rewarded), you are also learning a new skill (maintaining regulation), which will serve as the foundation for any future difficult situations that may happen with your child.
Recommendations to help you implement a kind, consistent, and effective approach.
Decide whether a particular behavior really warrants a privilege restriction. Consider the reason for the behavior. Young children in particular may engage in disruptive behavior (whining, interrupting) to gain their parents’ attention. If you think that your child is really after your attention in that given moment, then a natural and most appropriate consequence is likely going to be removal of your attention rather than a privilege restriction. I know that sometimes parents view this strategy as “allowing” a negative behavior to continue, but think about it - if your child’s behavior is communicating, “I want your attention and therefore I will engage in this disruptive behavior to get it,” then your lack of response to the behavior will directly communicate to them, “this is not the way to get my attention.” On the other hand, if you respond to their behavior, you are essentially communicating that their behavior is an appropriate way to get your attention, thereby “allowing” the behavior.
Removing your attention is a strategy called planned ignoring and should always be followed with a labeled praise to teach your child exactly what behavior will actually result in access to adult attention (i.e. “great job asking me nicely,” or “thanks for having a quiet voice when you told me that”).The key to this strategy is that you have to be prepared to ignore the behavior and stay emotionally regulated even if the behavior gets worse (i.e., your child keeps screaming). If you provide your attention at the peak of disruptive behavior, over time, your child will learn that they only need to escalate to a particular point before they are able to get your attention.
Warn a child about the negative consequence their behavior will have prior to implementation. Tell your child ahead of time that if they are not able to demonstrate a particular behavior or do a particular task, they will not be able to engage in their preferred activity later. This approach has two benefits. First, when you see behavior starting to go awry, you can make a clear-headed decision about what, if any, consequence there will be for this behavior. This prevents you from making spur of the moment decisions about consequences that might make follow-through difficult. Second, this gives your child the chance to correct their behavior and informs them of what will happen if they do not.
If already setting a consequence, make it immediate and short-term. Sometimes, consequences are set for further during the week (i.e., “because you did this, you cannot go to the birthday party on Saturday). More immediate consequences allow younger children to more easily understand which particular behavior led to this specific consequence. Consider if there is an opportunity to implement the consequence on the same day (i.e., taking away a certain activity for a few hours due to rough play). Again, making it short-term also increases the chances that, as a parent, you can follow through on implementation. What I have seen many times is that children are able to adapt in the long-term without the privilege and parents may lose a powerful behavior motivator.
Clearly define behavioral expectations for how to earn the privilege back. Avoid directives like “when you show me good behavior, you can have your iPad back.” Tell your child exactly what behavior they have to demonstrate to have their privileges reinstated (i.e., “when I see you playing gently with your toys for 30 minutes, you can have your privileges back”, or “when you have finished your chores, you can have your privileges back”). This helps establish that you are not arbitrarily returning privileges, but doing so contingent upon appropriate behavior.
Never lose sight of repairing your relationship. Many of these recommendations are challenging for parents and kids alike, especially when boundaries are met with intense emotion or behaviors from your child. Keep in mind that sometimes children will intensify their behavior to see if they can get the same result as before new boundaries were implemented. This does not mean that implementing these boundaries was the wrong decision. If you can make it through this “burst,” the lasting change will follow after.
And yet, we know this is draining for parents and children. After a conflict settles, remember that reconnecting with your child is the best way to teach your child that even after hard moments your connection with them remains. You are not angry and your love persists. Approach them when they are regulated and able to think more rationally (use your parental spidey-sense to gauge when they are truly ready). When children are calm, they are more available for learning and listening. Validate their feelings- I know it’s really hard when you don’t have access to screens. Acknowledge anything that you could have done differently too- I will practice staying calm the next time you’re upset; I’m learning too. Approaching your child with empathy supports long-term behavior change, builds trust, and deepens your relationship.
Parent-Child Interaction Therapy
One intervention that teaches parents to use their attention to strengthen their relationship with their children, follow through with consequences consistently and predictably, and teach children how to accept consequences for their behavior is Parent-Child Interaction Therapy. You can visit pcit.org to learn more about this intervention.
If you need support navigating your child’s big emotions, Expand Psychology is here to help. Reach out to our office for a free 15-minute phone consultation with an experienced therapist to learn more about how therapy can benefit you and your family.
Dr. Sofia Goltsberg is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who specializes in working with children with disruptive behavioral concerns as well as anxiety. She is also a certified Parent Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT) provider.
This content is for informational purposes only and does not constitute mental health treatment. If you are in crisis call 911 or contact your local crisis hotline immediately.